Nora and I were outside in the garden this morning, picking flowers, cutting beans and checking on our tomato plants. Our little gal loves tomatoes; she could practically live off of them, especially when they are fresh off the vine. I often find myself telling her to not pick off the green ones, but to wait until she finds a really red one. But the poor child just gets so excited and plucks a handful of unripe, green cherry tomatoes, shoves them in her mouth, chews down a few times then “blahs” them back out onto the grass, but is soon back to her search for the next fistful she can find. You would think she would learn after a time or two 🙂

Anyways, this morning, she was in a particularly feisty mood and continued to grab handfuls of the green cherry tomatoes off the plant. After a few frustrating minutes of watching her disobey, I crouched down, grabbed her little hand and raised my voice as I scolded her. She dropped the tomatoes, sat down and just started sobbing. Of course my heart just broke and I started crying, too. I then (again) explained to her how we needed to wait until the tomatoes were just ripe and red enough to pick so that we could eat them; that God made it so that we had to wait for them to grow until they were just right so that we could enjoy them the most. And then I stopped.

Yep.

Another day when my child in her disobedience revealed to me my own disobedient, questioning heart to God.

Ouch. Rip. Crunch. There went my heart breaking again. And my pride.

Since we moved to Milford, my heart (in general our lives) have been turned all upside down – for the good in SO MANY ways. But there have certainly been days, and especially nights, that have painful for me accepting and working through the changes in our life. Most of the changes that have happened for me this past year have been expected, but there have certainly been some that have not been; a difficult pregnancy, anxiety, loneliness, becoming overwhelmed with new daily routines, feelings of complete inadequacy. There have been numerous times that I have lied awake in bed, or sat on the floor in a mess of baby dolls and fruit snacks, wondering why God has been allowing me to struggle in ways that I never have before. And there have been numerous times where I have found myself on my knees with my fists clenched, just like Nora did today with the the green tomatoes, hanging onto my frustrations and wanting to have things go my way NOW! But what if God has more in store for me….later? What if waiting for His timing, until I’m ready, will make it so much better than what I could have planned myself?

But God…I don’t want to wait to understand later…I want to understand your plan NOW. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not even next month. I want to understand your plan this moment.

But that’s not always how God works in our hearts, is it? He uses circumstances in our lives to prune us; to strip away everything that isn’t pleasing or honoring to Him, and more often than not, this pruning takes time. And for someone like me who would much rather prefer an overnight fix, this learning of patience, just like my little Nora’s learning to be patient and wait for the ripe tomato, is hard and painful. But what God desires for me at the end of the wait is what’s best for me. And that’s beautiful. I just wish that I had the patience to wait for His perfect timing for me; to wait for the tomato to be bright, plump, red and ready to be picked and enjoyed. And at the moment it seems like I’m just not ready for whatever it is that God has for me yet.

I’m not quite sure what God has in store for my life in the coming weeks, months or even years, but I do know that He is doing something big in my heart, even if it is painful at times. Amidst the confusion, anxiety, loneliness and self doubt, I know from His promises in the Bible that He has given me, not a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love and of sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7) and that I have everything that I need by His divine power to live a Godly life that honors Him (2 Peter 1:3). If only I would cling to those promises in the middle of my darkest moments, especially the moments when I can’t see God’s plan. Romans 8:24-25 says that, “For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” Time after time, I have found that when I find patience, I lose selfishness, and when I lose selfishness, I see so much more hope in whatever situation I am in, even if it isn’t physically right in front of me. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but it’s so worth it.

I don’t know where you are or what you might be waiting on tonight, but how about we wait on God together? You may be waiting on a break in your job, for your child to get through a difficult stage in life, working through bouts of depression, overwhelmed by family needs, going through a physical ailment or simply searching for God’s direction in your everyday life. It is my prayer that through this little blog (and a lot of coffee) that I can encourage and walk alongside others right where they are at and offer prayer and support. From my experience, it’s so much better to wait on God’s timing alongside of a friend than it is trying to do it all by yourself.

So that is where I find myself tonight, I’m waiting with patience for whatever it is that God has for me. And I just happened to be waiting with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream on my 8-month pregnant belly and a jar of M&M’s next to me.

And Nora is still standing outside, longingly waiting for the green tomatoes to turn red. All in good time, my little dear. All in good time.